The following rules are designed to help you engage in efficient conflict resolution and effective discussions.
In a relationship individuals always have some different needs, wants and opinions. These differences will generate discussions, debates, and yes at times arguments and fights. There is inevitability to this, even in couples that have a great relationship and much fondness for each other.
However for many couples disagreements quickly turn into conflicts and cause hurt, anger, defensiveness, aggressive feelings and other strong emotions. When disagreements escalate and become all-out wars, partners can act abusively and will soon disconnect from each other. This pattern leads to dissatisfaction in the relationship, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness and feelings of loneliness. Seems familiar? If it does its because this dynamic is very common.
The good news is that while arguments and conflicts are unavoidable in long-term relationships, ineffective and destructing patterns of arguing can certainly be avoided. Follow these rules and you will notice a swift improvement in the quality of your relationship.
Request a time to have a discussion. Many destructive fights occur when one partner feels “ambushed.” Let your partner know that you want him or her to understand your feelings and needs about whatever the issue is. Don’t insist on having the discussion right there and then. Make sure you allow sufficient time for the conversation. Insisting in having it out when you become irritated is likely to end in disappointment and hurt. Get on with what you were doing, where this is preparing for work, taking the kids to footy or visiting your friend.
Be willing to accept feeling some distress in order to deal with issues that have real significance to you. Avoiding your concerns will result in a bottling of resentment and frustration on both parts. Define clearly the complain or need that you want to discuss and if necessary argue about.
Do not escape emotional heat by ending the conflict prematurely. Don’t apologise, and or pretend to agree with your partner’s stance in order to feel less distressed. The same applies to accepting blame and responsibility for something you haven’t done.
Do not give your partner the cold shoulder when you become upset during an argument. Sulking does not accomplish anything and you and your partner will go on hurting unnecessarily. This type of avoidance will be felt as a lack of care and interest and generate more relationship anxiety and resentment. Whatever your thoughts are telling you at the time, you know that eventually the relationship will go back to normal. So why wait and suffer. Its pointless and you both know it. Whoever flies the white flag first wins!
Respect the communication process. These discussions are inherently difficult. So focus and bring your A game to the table. Take the argument seriously and do not discount the importance of what is being discussed. Avoid sarcasm altogether. Do not bring other’s into the conversation or critisise your partner’s relatives or friends.
Impulsiveness is a dangerous factor to be aware of and prevent during arguments. Emotions are energising and likely to trigger action. When we are irritated and frustrated acting out impulsively in word or deed is very likely. Only a high degree of self-awareness will help us suppress the impulses when we feel strong emotions, and remain in control of our actions.
Be aware of you emotional state: Monitor your SUDS (Subjective Units of Distress). SUDS represent how emotionally distressed you feel in any given situation. Make a mental scale say from 1 to 10. For most people the higher the emotional intensity and distress the less likely they will remain rational in a discussion. Once the fight or flight dynamic is triggered you enter a dangerous zone. Awareness of your emotional state and the ability to regulate it (turn the emotional intensity down) is an important component of emotional intelligence. Once you or your partner reach a say 7 plus it may be time to take a break.
Speak your mind clearly and also express how you feel. It’s a normal aspect of the process to feel emotions. Communicating what you are feeling, including positive and negative emotions is necessary to elicit better understanding and empathy
If there is a communication Golden Rule it has to be Listen, Listen, Listen. Hear your partner with an intention to understand rather than problem solve. Being understood is frequently more important than having a problem solved.
Be careful not to make assumptions interpretations and or shape a response, in your mind, while your partner is talking. Aim instead to fully understand your partner’s perspective before anything else.
Listening well is the first step towards empathy: The ability to sense what is like to be on the other’s shoes. Empathy is the most efficient interpersonal process to deescalate emotional intensity and to transform negative feelings into positive emotions.
Remember at all times that your partner is not your enemy. Don’t take an automatic oppositional and belligerent stance. You are in the same team. You can’t win over the other. Unless the argument leads to greater understanding between you and genuine compromise you both lose.
You will know you are squaring up to the other as enemies when the ABC’s of an argument are present Accusation, Blame and Coercion. When either partner is relating in this way the chances of a positive resolution to the conflict are significantly reduced.
Do not threaten your partner with break up or divorce in order to get your way. Try not to over react and keep things in perspective.
Strive to find solutions that accommodate each other’s concerns at least in some ways. Unless it is a really non-negotiable issue strive for an effective compromise.
Deal with one concern at the time. Do not bring up old conflicts neither unrelated issues this is a mistake that results in ineffective exhausting fights.
Maintain respect at all times. Remind yourself that despite your current disagreement your partner is important to you. Demonstrate the value she or he has for you by not carelessly doing anything that would be hurtful to your partner.
Never attack your partner’s character, instead point out specific behaviours. Offer your feedback in such a way that you express your dislike of your partner’s actions, as opposed referring to character traits.
Be open to suggestions. Try to view the argument as an opportunity to grow. You are not perfect, neither is your partner. Since you will argue, anyway, why not turn arguments into a positive experience and help each other grow?
Admit you are did or said something wrong as soon as you realise this is the case and take responsibility over your part in what is not working. Willingness to acknowledge what you are doing something wrong models a non-defensive attitude. Your partner in turn may become less defensive as he/she doesn’t feel accused for everything that is not going right.
Show appreciation for your partner’s efforts to argue effectively. Highlighting, when your partner has come up with a good suggestion, compromise and or solution, generates goodwill. It is likely that these positive actions will be reciprocated. This attitude is helpful throughout, but even more so towards the end of the argument, as you begin to transition away from the conflict to resume your day. Ending an argument/conflict in good terms results in experiencing the argument as a positive experience and you will be more willing to engage in these types of discussions in the future.
Be aware and accept that some issues just can’t be solved in one discussion. If you encounter such an issue (such as a power struggles, infidelity) make sure you both understand that you will need to discuss these issues again. Set a schedule for continuation and declare a cease-fire in between.
Some problems in all relationships are unresolvable (fundamental opposing views or needs). These do not need to result in the end of the relationship. However, because they will continue to be a source of irritation, they need to be aired and heard from time to time.