When your relationship is struggling but your spouse doesn’t want to attend counselling, you can do relating counselling on your own. Your relationship is a dynamic system, which both of you can influence and you have 100% control over your half of the relationship.
Often couples in troubled marriages wait too long to get help. By the time both spouses agree to counseling, the relationship has often been strained to the breaking point.
Some common reasons people do not want to attend relationship counselling:
fear that relationship counselling will spell the end of the relationship
It’s not my fault” thinking
fear of failing
they have detached to the point where they are just physically present and do not want to invest emotionally in the relationship
fear of hearing there is no hope and nothing changing
they maybe contented with the way that things are
fear of feeling vulnerable
they maybe satisfied with the balance of power in the relationship
they have fear about topics, issues, feelings, or events that may come up in counseling
they believe that the counselor will take the other partner’s side and that counseling will turn into being an opportunity for the spouse to have help in lecturing, scolding, ridiculing, or emotionally beating them up they low confidence in their ability to change anything about themselves
Miguel is familiar with doing relating therapy for one. A couples-based approach will be far more effective than doing traditional individual therapy. Being the lone client is in no way an admission that you alone are the problem— even if your partner insists that you are. No matter what you have done or what difficulties you’re facing, your marital struggles cannot be just about you. Seeking help on your own simply means that you’re willing to make the first steps towards change.
Relating counselling can help change how you relate and by doing something different and more effective, you force a change in your partner’s way of relating. Sometimes the best way to change your spouse is to model positive change in your own life. You can encourage your spouse to communicate better by learning to communicate better yourself. You can coach your spouse to respect you by learning to impose and maintain boundaries and by respecting him or her as well. This is often more effective than trying to force someone to attend counselling. Often when a partner commences counselling, the other will often become curious and want to get involved too.
Relating counselling can also help you to get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, memories, behaviors, expectations, hopes, concerns and fears, not only in the marriage but also as an individual. This process can prevent you feeling depressed or helpless but it can also go a long way in helping you to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage and to clarify your plans for your future.
Relating counselling also can involve a reevaluation of your priorities, both as a partner and an individual. It can lead you to consider which of your spouse’s negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are impossible to accept. You will reflect if the current situation represents a temporary crisis or a really impasse in your relationship. The therapist may ask you to consider “what is the best and worst thing that could happen if you decide to divorce” and “what is the best and worst thing that could happen if you decide to stay together”. These questions may help to make things a little clearer.